It's hard to be in my shoes now. When things don't go your way,you either breakdown and cry or you could just work with it. And i decided to head on face it. There are pros and cons facing harsh reality of the world but i somehow feels better knowing i had managed to passed the terrains and still mentally/emotionally stable. Sometimes when my friends share their life troubles i can't relate to them in terms of their emotions and thought. All i could say is,
"Well you could just face it and learn from it instead of digging your own grave just to avoid it."
I don't get why they can't face it and let emotions rule them.
Be strong. Oh don't give me reasons like
"I tried my best"
"Everyone is against me"
"It's just me against the world."
"Nobody would support me.They're all liars and backstabbers."
"They always talk crap about me."
"Everybody expects me to fail."
etc etc etc.
I'm a teenager too.I know what it's like to be in the lowest time of your life.
Letting your inner fire in you die out slowly till only ashes are left. It did happen to me. I wished i was living another person's life.I always come up with imaginary stories to keep myself sane,away from the troubling thoughts.
I used to have best friends almost like sisters that i could talk to. But as i grow older,i realized there's no such title as 'best friends' (i'm sorry if i offend people by saying this). I'm going to save that story for future blog post. Ever since my disbelief for 'best friends' i viewed friends just friends no special title given. The only difference is that whether that friend of mine is close to me or not.
When i was facing life's harsh realities and diving rock bottom in my life,it was hard for me to open up and talk about my depressing story to my close friends and even my family. I just feel utmost uncomfortable to have this heart to heart talk with anyone. I had mostly told them vague things of my current self then. How did i ever managed to cope?
I found my escape.
Not drugs.
Not sex.
Not alcoholic drinks.
Not smoking.
Not cutting myself.
Not talking to people.
No counselor.
No family members.
And most importantly no friends.
It was hard to keep things to myself. There were times i
wished i could sleep away from the troubles and wake up with a fresh page but of course that never happened. However,it's amazing how i found myself
getting better through seeing others' life.
My escape was and still is KPOP. Yes it really is my escape from reality. Somehow when i watch kpop related things, i felt encouraged to face my reality,slowly. Step by step. Variety shows,fancams,gossips,interviews,drama etc you name it, there are all my go to things to immerse myself into.
Seeing them do things they passionately live for somehow heals my broken heart. Although it may just be in forms of bandages and plasters around my heart,it helped me. I become stronger by helping myself. I settled to fixing myself with the help of fantasy rather than having people reside in my heart. I'm glad i was into KPOP rather than other harmful things.
Other than KPOP i had
found another form of freedom for myself. That is fanfictions. Kpop idols as characters in a story line you would want to read,uh yes please! It may just be a fantasy of others but there are just some
stories that were wonderfully written that i could actually relate to. There are so many genres to explore! So many story plots to read! It's just really great to put yourself in different character's shoes.It makes me
understand my emotions and thoughts. Sometimes it taught me how to
let go of things that is hurting me,even if the thing is making my life more bearable.
The little escape adventures of mine made who i am today.
Stronger,independent and mature.
Of course there will be times where you trip and fall again but it shouldn't make you crippled. Take it as a chance for you to improve as a better person.
Because of the self-healing i did, i missed out a lot of things from others. Like how my friends can't find the 'go to friend to talk to when they need some comforting' from me. I'm fine with it. I don't know how to help them go through 100% either. I think because of how i am now,i may have offended others by replying them nonchalantly. I may have been the least responsive girl but i do listen well because every one wants to be listened to when they talk. They deserve a listening ear.
I'm more reserved and quiet when it comes to personal topic. I would skirt around it when asked about it. I'm not some emotional wreck,like i said kpop and fanfics take my misery off.
So i don't put up some stupid facade. HOW CAN YOU YOLO IF YOU LIVE IN PRETENCE!
People are putting on 'masks' so that they can show how they're 'fine' to others. Um sorry but why you do that? What benefits do you get? Do you feel good after taking off that 'masks'? I know i offended people by saying this. I may seem that typical happy go lucky always positive bitch that have her life smooth sailing. Well newsflash, i'm not that bitch.
We all have that phase where emotions are the best thing to depend on. You can't let emotions rule what you think you should do. The equation does work like that. I figured out that if you question yourself
"If i do that/this,will i be happy? will i be the better me?" helps in decision making.
Your emotions and your thinking must go together so you are mentally and emotionally prepared for anything that might crash land your plans. When you are prepared,it's easier to pick yourself up and try again,maybe with different method but with the same goal. Don't depend on just one to three choices. Keep your options open.
There's no road closure in the life you're living. It's just roads that are incomplete.
If it helps,start with having the some constant goals. Like for me, my constant goal is that i would
pick myself up and face challenges head on with a stronger me.
Have hope. It's the best life support for you when you fall down. When you fall,you may be lonely at the pits of some hole you buried yourself in.With no one but yourself,the next best thing to count on is hope. It's like a slap for your heart and mind. Hope feeds your heart with courage and mind with a sense of determination.
Better to have hope rather than your painkillers.
Face it. You're never going to be perfect.Not in a million years. It's up to you on how you want to let imperfections rule you. Let it kill you or let it be your most unique part of yourself.
Work with imperfections as you would with your significant other.
Don't look at it as an enemy,it'd only let feeds you inner devil to implement self hatred,setting off the bomb in you.Waiting for the bomb to finally tick you off and ok i'll just stop it there.
When you live your life,have time outs for yourself. Just stop for a moment and do a reality check. Check your emotions and thoughts. Make sure they're are in sync. When you're alone,it doesn't that you're lonely,it just mean that you have some time to pamper yourself. Just talking to yourself and looking back at your life.
Ensure that you're still stable.
There will be regrets in any one's life. I have my regrets. However, i can't turn back time and slap my stupid self then. But what i can do is slap myself time to time now just to remind how stupid i was then. It helps me waking up from being depressed really.
Like my title, life merely goes on. There's no pause,stop,reverse and fast forward buttons for you to press. You don't have that power to do it. Don't let anything hold you down from living your life.
Fall.Stand back up. Live.Change positively.
Remember that.
