Although i knew the sins i've committed,i still did it.Whenever i thought of all the sins that must have accumulated to mountains,i felt so guilty.I know what's in store for me the moment i close my eyes forever.
It scared me that some times i just felt like giving up in life and to accept the express ticket to hell.It scared me that i could the sinful things but yet i still felt a little guilty.I'm scared of death not because i may not have time to achieve life goals but i'm terrified that i may not have the time to get back to Him.I'm so scared that He'd take my last breathe before i could atone for my sins.
I want to get back to him.I researched ways on how i could my spirituality back but my inner demons are holding me back.I sound crazy.But i know that i have demons in me that my brain is controlling.Sometimes i lie down and wondering what to do and it always always left me with two choices.Commit more sins or getting away from committing more sins.It's always a battle in my brain.
This battles scares me to no end. Some nights i get so scared by my own thoughts that i don't even dare to close or even blink my eyes.I'm that terrified.There are also times that i think i might be a crazy person because of how i leading my life and presenting who i am to others.I want to get help but i just can't seem to be daring enough to open my mouth.
I'm so embarrassed not by humans because technically people who knows me doesn't know about this problem i have because i never dared to open my mouth,but i'm embarrassed towards the angels,prophets and most importantly the Almighty.I just want to run and hide but He knows everything about us hidden or not.
I need to get back on the right path.
I FAILED yet again. I did the same mistakes again and again.
When the urge came to me,i brushed aside the "angel" side of me and
gave in to temptation.I need help ASAP.I need proper guidance.
Although i can seek help from my parents,i don't feel good knowing that they are way too personal.I just find it embarrassing.I can't face them if they know.I just want to improve without having to deal with my family at all.I just want to avoid conflicts. I don't them to say things like,"You're not trying
hard enough.You're still not reaching up to Him.Talk to Him.Spend more time communicating to Him rather than listening all these Kpop songs.Go read the religious books instead of all these Kpop news/stories.ETC." Believe me,it'll get to my nerves and i would eventually try to shut them out of my life if that ever happens.And that is not good news.
I want to make sure whatever i do in terms of improving my spirituality, a secret from my family.I want them to see and feel the change in me rather than monitoring me.I get that they would annoy me by reminding me to pray etc is their way of showing their support.But i don't think i can handle the irritation.I want to be discipline in my spirituality regime.I don't want to feel dependent.
I'm doing a terrible job right now.But i'll not give up.
I want to live my life without fearing the death that is unforeseeable.I want to be able to close my eyes and not be scared of my fate when i open my eyes to face the present day.
My ultimate goal is to be close to him and atone for my sins. Amin.
I FAILED yet again. I did the same mistakes again and again.
When the urge came to me,i brushed aside the "angel" side of me and
gave in to temptation.I need help ASAP.I need proper guidance.
Although i can seek help from my parents,i don't feel good knowing that they are way too personal.I just find it embarrassing.I can't face them if they know.I just want to improve without having to deal with my family at all.I just want to avoid conflicts. I don't them to say things like,"You're not trying
hard enough.You're still not reaching up to Him.Talk to Him.Spend more time communicating to Him rather than listening all these Kpop songs.Go read the religious books instead of all these Kpop news/stories.ETC." Believe me,it'll get to my nerves and i would eventually try to shut them out of my life if that ever happens.And that is not good news.
I want to make sure whatever i do in terms of improving my spirituality, a secret from my family.I want them to see and feel the change in me rather than monitoring me.I get that they would annoy me by reminding me to pray etc is their way of showing their support.But i don't think i can handle the irritation.I want to be discipline in my spirituality regime.I don't want to feel dependent.
I'm doing a terrible job right now.But i'll not give up.
I want to live my life without fearing the death that is unforeseeable.I want to be able to close my eyes and not be scared of my fate when i open my eyes to face the present day.
My ultimate goal is to be close to him and atone for my sins. Amin.
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